Colorado National Monument

good sunset

We've had some really great sunsets lately. All the partly cloudy and cloudy days say goodbye spectacularly.

Had D over for dinner last night, celebrating her new freedom. The company finally sold and so that monster is off her back. It was fun to fill my porch with her laughter. We talked about Yoga, spirituality, and where our lives might be going. I do love her.

Red Japanese Maple leaves above a chartreuse creeping jenny. These japanese maples die back during a hard winter and so have never got above bush height. It's kind of cool though, they have a kind of intimacy that trees might not have. On the other hand, small trees this beautiful would create quite a nice atmosphere in that part of the garden.

Here is a shot of coral Bell blossoms floating in among some stripey red and white miniature roses. I like the airy look of this combo.

the greenhouse garden

Here's an in-season shot of the little garden in front of the greenhouse. I gave ita facelift earllier this season. The edging plants are lettuces, spinach and other greens. They are so pretty. In the middle are tomato plants, swiss chard bright lights, and beets. Up against the greenhouse are a few edible pod pea plants. I have already harvested chinese broccoli out of this garden. It was bitter and strong tasting. I won't have to grow that again. I am undecided whether to plant between the peas with morning glories or beans. Maybe I'll do both, although morning glory seeds are poisonous and it's probably not good to grow them in a food garden. I probably won't plant them then.

This has not been a good month for blog posts. Somewhat it's getting the garden going, and I'm exhausted. There are some big jobs to do and it's very tiring so I have to do a job, rest a couple of days, do a job, rest a couple of days. I do tend to get frustrated.
Also it's having something significant to say. How many times can you say that the cats are adorable? But I have had significant things happen. I just feel inadequate when it comes to putting them down.
Working with Carolyn Myss' book Divine Contracts. It's very hard work. Getting to know yourself through many questions you answer about yourself in light of archetypes like the victim, the servant, the queen. I'm really a servant and really not a queen. I haven't gotten too far but I have had some insights. My Orphan Child said "when I play with God people think I'm weird." If anybody reads this they'll probably think that's really weird. I gave that child permission to play with God again. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad today, after one good prayer session there hasn't been another peep from the Divine. (I'm having trouble deciding what term to use, God, the Tao, the Divine - I just don't know. I adored the God I once knew, intellectually I adore the Tao, The Divine sounds kind of Missy Prissy to me. I'll have to choose an option, the one thing I don't want to do is call God Him. I've had enough of the God made in the image of man.)

After giving permission to play, after accepting the chance to be healed, after realizing I had constricted who I would let god be and letting go of that, I'm back in a holding pattern. Waiting for God to come back or take me forward, waiting to find out who God is and who I might get to be if I continue in this life (I'm joking, sort of. I have a very short lifeline so sometimes I wonder about it). I feel like there's something I haven't done yet, a calling or job yet to be done. But maybe that's just existential angst.

spiritual awakening

There was a bumble bee stuck in the house. Sometimes as I lay on the couch with my eyes closed he flew quite near and that big BUZZ was a bit alarming. He was frantic and flew all about and even though many windows were open he never found a way out. I could hear him but the times I tried to see him I could not. This went on for at least an hour. Finally I opened my eyes to see him battering against a window a mere inch from the open part that would allow him his freedom. Taking my empty teacup I gently guided him to the opening saying, "if you only go a little bit over here you'll be free." That simply, he was out and free and buzzed hugely away.


Then I saw the metaphor in this story. I have had a great spiritual awakening since I last posted. It was agonizing to go through. But I only had to move a little bit in one direction and I was free to buzz away.


It all started in my agony over the loss of safety in Best Friend's company. But nothing ever really begins at the beginning of the story, as Terry Pratchett says. the previous story in which this story is rooted is that once I was quite dedicated to the God of Christianity. Wow, what a way to say it, because I believe now that Christianity worships its Religion, not the true God one finds through seeking.


In that space I met Best Friend and in the safe place that was the gift she provided I became a healer in the church. But even though the church embraced gifts of healing they became afraid because they couldn't control it, and began laying down rules and punishments. The punishment being "we think you shouldn't minister for x amount of time." Sounds very reasonable but what does that have to do with the will and leading of God? It's a lack of faith and we all fell into it. We were "protecting the tribe" as Carolyn Myss would put it.


That church dissolved, Best Friend moved away and God stopped talking to me. The last words I received from God were; "you don't know me", "don't be afraid of the Heathen Redeemer, " and "You've been broken for the church, are you willing to be healed for her?" I answered No to the question, "because He won't help me". I was willing to be made willing, but unable to be willing at the time. I had done so many hard things because He had led me to, and endured the rejection of the church in so many ways because of it, I wasn't willing to go through that kind of pain any more.


Ensued 20 years of relative silence from God and many healing encounters with heathen redeemers. Best Friend has stayed by me even when she physically was far away, and unjudgementally cared for me through the journey. Finally, here I am, sick with chronic fatigue and sick of worldly things.


Most of my heathen redeemers have turned out to be in the alternative healing world. My seeking has led me to many lovely healing women who have their own ideas of God like I do and believe in the healing powers of alternative medicines and touch. ...and I encountered the Tao Te Ching. This is the best description of God and godly behavior I have ever encountered. I can hang out here, with the Tao, because it matches my understanding of the union of the spiritual and physical world.


But I was not healing, in my body or spirit, and I was completely incapable of being the healer I know I am. I came across a description of the Chinese understanding of healing in Iona Teeguarden's book "The Joy of Feeling" which listed the things traditional Chinese medicine thinks must be involved in healing. They are Spirit, nourishment, medicines, acupuncture, acupressure, and breathing. In seeking my own healing I have dealt with all these things but one, and while I am better, I am not healed. The one thing I have not dealt with is my broken spirit.


Then comes my huge crisis with loss of my safe place in Best Friend. (see previous post). I talked with my current support friends about whether it's necessary for me to challenge the place she's in and express my hurt and loss of safety. I have a chronic dry cough that my healers think is from not expressing my opinion. But the Tao says what is an opinion? am I right or are you? will it make any difference? so one of the people I asked was Tai Chi Teacher. We discussed it for an hour, and one of the things he mentioned was the teaching of Carolyn Myss. It was the right word at the right moment.


I got three of her books even though I already have the "complete Healer's guide" and was quite put off by some of her blunt opinions.


In going through the first two books - I read them both simultaneously - I learned a tremendous amount about how our spirits work and where these relationship issues come from. I realized that god's question of "would I be healed?" was still open. I was only able to give a lukewarm yes at first, but after a day or two felt an enthusiastic, thrilled YES bubble up from within. I began to restore my relationship with God, realizing that I had said, " you can be anything except the God who hurt me so badly before, and I will go any direction except New Age, which would confirm what all those people thought about me," (and make me unsafe with Best Friend who is still a Christian). When I was able to see these fears holding me back, and let go of them , I knew my spirit could now be on the mend.


In regards to best friend I looked for guidance in Carolyn's books. At first I thought my lack of speaking was an individuation problem, that by not acknowledging my opinions I was damaging my spirit. With heavy heart I prepared to have the conversation with Best Friend and prepared myself for whatever would come after that. Our meeting was delayed and I reached the last chapter of Anatomy of the Spirit. With a relief that flooded my body and released my spirit, I saw that it was my fear of rejection that caused me to feel unsafe with her political mania, and that it's just her path and is not personal to me. If the friendship cools because of it it's only because our paths are diverging, and I am totally comfortable with that.


Today is a hard day physically. I call this kind of day " a couch day". I feel bad enough that if I try to accomplish anything I know I will only be making things worse and delaying my recovery. So I am consigned to the couch for the day. But it's not the prison it was, because I am able to spend time with God. I prayed like I used to, feeling the truth of the prayer in my spirit, and the comfort of the presence of God in it. Hence the bumble bee story, I only had to move a little bit to bee free again.

freaky hail storm

We had a wonderful rainy day today. Perfect for all of the little newly planted seedlings.
The day finished off at about sunset with a hailstorm of large marble size hail. I've never seen hail that big here on the edge of the desert. Here's a photo of the girls out at the end of the storm under B2's umbrella. It's a rare treat to get to use an umbrella when you live here. You can see the hail on the ground.