spiritual awakening

There was a bumble bee stuck in the house. Sometimes as I lay on the couch with my eyes closed he flew quite near and that big BUZZ was a bit alarming. He was frantic and flew all about and even though many windows were open he never found a way out. I could hear him but the times I tried to see him I could not. This went on for at least an hour. Finally I opened my eyes to see him battering against a window a mere inch from the open part that would allow him his freedom. Taking my empty teacup I gently guided him to the opening saying, "if you only go a little bit over here you'll be free." That simply, he was out and free and buzzed hugely away.


Then I saw the metaphor in this story. I have had a great spiritual awakening since I last posted. It was agonizing to go through. But I only had to move a little bit in one direction and I was free to buzz away.


It all started in my agony over the loss of safety in Best Friend's company. But nothing ever really begins at the beginning of the story, as Terry Pratchett says. the previous story in which this story is rooted is that once I was quite dedicated to the God of Christianity. Wow, what a way to say it, because I believe now that Christianity worships its Religion, not the true God one finds through seeking.


In that space I met Best Friend and in the safe place that was the gift she provided I became a healer in the church. But even though the church embraced gifts of healing they became afraid because they couldn't control it, and began laying down rules and punishments. The punishment being "we think you shouldn't minister for x amount of time." Sounds very reasonable but what does that have to do with the will and leading of God? It's a lack of faith and we all fell into it. We were "protecting the tribe" as Carolyn Myss would put it.


That church dissolved, Best Friend moved away and God stopped talking to me. The last words I received from God were; "you don't know me", "don't be afraid of the Heathen Redeemer, " and "You've been broken for the church, are you willing to be healed for her?" I answered No to the question, "because He won't help me". I was willing to be made willing, but unable to be willing at the time. I had done so many hard things because He had led me to, and endured the rejection of the church in so many ways because of it, I wasn't willing to go through that kind of pain any more.


Ensued 20 years of relative silence from God and many healing encounters with heathen redeemers. Best Friend has stayed by me even when she physically was far away, and unjudgementally cared for me through the journey. Finally, here I am, sick with chronic fatigue and sick of worldly things.


Most of my heathen redeemers have turned out to be in the alternative healing world. My seeking has led me to many lovely healing women who have their own ideas of God like I do and believe in the healing powers of alternative medicines and touch. ...and I encountered the Tao Te Ching. This is the best description of God and godly behavior I have ever encountered. I can hang out here, with the Tao, because it matches my understanding of the union of the spiritual and physical world.


But I was not healing, in my body or spirit, and I was completely incapable of being the healer I know I am. I came across a description of the Chinese understanding of healing in Iona Teeguarden's book "The Joy of Feeling" which listed the things traditional Chinese medicine thinks must be involved in healing. They are Spirit, nourishment, medicines, acupuncture, acupressure, and breathing. In seeking my own healing I have dealt with all these things but one, and while I am better, I am not healed. The one thing I have not dealt with is my broken spirit.


Then comes my huge crisis with loss of my safe place in Best Friend. (see previous post). I talked with my current support friends about whether it's necessary for me to challenge the place she's in and express my hurt and loss of safety. I have a chronic dry cough that my healers think is from not expressing my opinion. But the Tao says what is an opinion? am I right or are you? will it make any difference? so one of the people I asked was Tai Chi Teacher. We discussed it for an hour, and one of the things he mentioned was the teaching of Carolyn Myss. It was the right word at the right moment.


I got three of her books even though I already have the "complete Healer's guide" and was quite put off by some of her blunt opinions.


In going through the first two books - I read them both simultaneously - I learned a tremendous amount about how our spirits work and where these relationship issues come from. I realized that god's question of "would I be healed?" was still open. I was only able to give a lukewarm yes at first, but after a day or two felt an enthusiastic, thrilled YES bubble up from within. I began to restore my relationship with God, realizing that I had said, " you can be anything except the God who hurt me so badly before, and I will go any direction except New Age, which would confirm what all those people thought about me," (and make me unsafe with Best Friend who is still a Christian). When I was able to see these fears holding me back, and let go of them , I knew my spirit could now be on the mend.


In regards to best friend I looked for guidance in Carolyn's books. At first I thought my lack of speaking was an individuation problem, that by not acknowledging my opinions I was damaging my spirit. With heavy heart I prepared to have the conversation with Best Friend and prepared myself for whatever would come after that. Our meeting was delayed and I reached the last chapter of Anatomy of the Spirit. With a relief that flooded my body and released my spirit, I saw that it was my fear of rejection that caused me to feel unsafe with her political mania, and that it's just her path and is not personal to me. If the friendship cools because of it it's only because our paths are diverging, and I am totally comfortable with that.


Today is a hard day physically. I call this kind of day " a couch day". I feel bad enough that if I try to accomplish anything I know I will only be making things worse and delaying my recovery. So I am consigned to the couch for the day. But it's not the prison it was, because I am able to spend time with God. I prayed like I used to, feeling the truth of the prayer in my spirit, and the comfort of the presence of God in it. Hence the bumble bee story, I only had to move a little bit to bee free again.

when you've planned a plan

When you've got a plan and someone makes suggestions and comes up with other ideas, what is that? I think they believe that they are trying to help and I know it's human nature to believe that one's own ideas are better than those belong to someone else, how would we survive if this were not so? But I also think it's an attempt on the suggester's part to assume control, assert dominance. Therefore, I as the suggestee, feel threatened and discombobulated when the new ideas are put forward. Still, I want the suggester to feel the rights of involvement, and I want their feedback, so I end up stumbling over my own insecurities, fuming to myself, and trying my best to do the thing suggested. What is that?

After a while there's a balance to be found between keeping to one's own plan and including the ideas of others, of course there is, that is the only way to accomplish what one has set out to do. But what if there's no need for any of it? Maybe the need for the accomplishment only exists in the mind of the planner?

Some time in the early 1800's a rich man from New York decided to build his wife a mansion in the remote and beautiful Unaweep Canyon in Western Colorado. She never lived in it. Perhaps he had a plan?

The Tao Te Ching says (paraphrasing) a sage (wise person) does not hold on to his own ideas. therefore he is not threatened or disappointed. I have made some progress, but I am not a sage.

a day without a good meal is a day wasted

Those words were spoken by the Chef of one of the oldest restaurants in Paris, that means one of the first restaurants ever in existence . http://www.ovationtv.com/programs/151 But sometimes the meal that makes the day worthwhile is not a meal of food, but a meal of life. For me today, it's the ferocious love of a half grown kitten, the sun and the soil of a warm spring day.

That's not to say that these things are all I desire of life. Sometimes the possibilities of the world seem overwhelming. Even to live an ordinary life in a place where the history and art are as grand as Paris. Or even to live in a city which has one of those great looking markets where you walk by stalls brimming with vegetables, herbs, seafood of the freshest kind. Or to find that thing at which one could be great, stand out from everyone else and change the world. These thoughts torment, tantalize, cause ambition and discontent. I'm not saying ambition and such things are bad. There is no good or bad here, there's just life.

Here is a description of the acupressure point B 47 from A Complete Guide to Acupressure by Iona Marsaa Teeguarden http://www.jinshindo.org/products.htm, The quote begins with the name of the point; "Ambitious Room or Room of Will influences Zhi (human will), ... The character for Zhi consists of two parts. The upper half depicts plants which are growing: the lower half denotes the human heart-mind. The character Zhi may be taken to indicate the will of the heart growing into the world, directed by its own intention. It is human will (Zhi) which enables a person to align his/her heart and will with the will of heaven, and thus fulfill his/her destiny. " This is such a beautiful image, lovely growing plants rising out of the soil of our hearts. Meeting our destiny, by aligning our will with whatever it is that provides us with destiny, as naturally as plants growing out of the fertile ground.

The Tao Te Ching says discontent is the worst calamity. Taoist wisdom would seem to indicate that being content in one's life, whatever life it is, the Tao can be trusted to lead one to one's destiny. I think it's positively un-american to think that one's destiny might be to live a small life at home with one's animals and loved ones, cooking and cleaning, serving one's friends and significant others, and perhaps never making one single significant mark on the world.

You can see my struggles here. That's why I named this blog 'struggles with nothing'. Because truly it's a contentment with Nothing to which I aspire, and many nothings which cause so many struggles of discontent. Aligning one's will with the will of heaven, if that will is destiny, what is there to struggle with?