trying a new angle on healing

Weejock must have great Liver's Blood!


Got fed up with not being able to make any progress on relaxing. Had a chi gung class where I was the only student who showed up, so asked Tai Chi Teacher about the pain in my hip associated with the psoas muscle. We determined that I probably have tendonitis where it attaches to the crest of the hipbone.

Went to see Dr. S (Doc of Traditional Chinese medicine) armed with a library of Chinese medicine books. The important point comes from "Web That Has No Weaver" by Ted Kapchuk. pg. 255:

"The Liver's blood is responsible for basic repose, unhurried cyclical movements, a gentle milieu, the absence of a need to go anywhere, and the easy sense of self-acknowledgement. the Liver's blood softens, moistens, and relaxes.
When the Liver's Blood is deficient, a person will be inappropriately tense, feel confined, nervously fidget, have tight tendons, stiff joints, or spasmodic movements."

This is definitely what I have been battling since I became ill, and both Dr. S and I suspect have had most of my life. I have never been flexible, always tense, and have a terrible time with self-acknowledgement. In all of my reading I kept coming back to things which pointed to Liver deficiency. When I asked Dr. S what kind of deficiency she said probably several, they overlap and exacerbate one another, and spread to other organ systems.

So she said she rarely gets to treat people for Liver deficiencies because of the time it takes and the expense, but if I was willing to commit to six months of herbal therapy she had a plan...
What's six months when you've been tight all your life? I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a couple of years. I've tried so many different therapies to no avail, I don' t want a quick cure, I want one that works!

spiritual awakening

There was a bumble bee stuck in the house. Sometimes as I lay on the couch with my eyes closed he flew quite near and that big BUZZ was a bit alarming. He was frantic and flew all about and even though many windows were open he never found a way out. I could hear him but the times I tried to see him I could not. This went on for at least an hour. Finally I opened my eyes to see him battering against a window a mere inch from the open part that would allow him his freedom. Taking my empty teacup I gently guided him to the opening saying, "if you only go a little bit over here you'll be free." That simply, he was out and free and buzzed hugely away.


Then I saw the metaphor in this story. I have had a great spiritual awakening since I last posted. It was agonizing to go through. But I only had to move a little bit in one direction and I was free to buzz away.


It all started in my agony over the loss of safety in Best Friend's company. But nothing ever really begins at the beginning of the story, as Terry Pratchett says. the previous story in which this story is rooted is that once I was quite dedicated to the God of Christianity. Wow, what a way to say it, because I believe now that Christianity worships its Religion, not the true God one finds through seeking.


In that space I met Best Friend and in the safe place that was the gift she provided I became a healer in the church. But even though the church embraced gifts of healing they became afraid because they couldn't control it, and began laying down rules and punishments. The punishment being "we think you shouldn't minister for x amount of time." Sounds very reasonable but what does that have to do with the will and leading of God? It's a lack of faith and we all fell into it. We were "protecting the tribe" as Carolyn Myss would put it.


That church dissolved, Best Friend moved away and God stopped talking to me. The last words I received from God were; "you don't know me", "don't be afraid of the Heathen Redeemer, " and "You've been broken for the church, are you willing to be healed for her?" I answered No to the question, "because He won't help me". I was willing to be made willing, but unable to be willing at the time. I had done so many hard things because He had led me to, and endured the rejection of the church in so many ways because of it, I wasn't willing to go through that kind of pain any more.


Ensued 20 years of relative silence from God and many healing encounters with heathen redeemers. Best Friend has stayed by me even when she physically was far away, and unjudgementally cared for me through the journey. Finally, here I am, sick with chronic fatigue and sick of worldly things.


Most of my heathen redeemers have turned out to be in the alternative healing world. My seeking has led me to many lovely healing women who have their own ideas of God like I do and believe in the healing powers of alternative medicines and touch. ...and I encountered the Tao Te Ching. This is the best description of God and godly behavior I have ever encountered. I can hang out here, with the Tao, because it matches my understanding of the union of the spiritual and physical world.


But I was not healing, in my body or spirit, and I was completely incapable of being the healer I know I am. I came across a description of the Chinese understanding of healing in Iona Teeguarden's book "The Joy of Feeling" which listed the things traditional Chinese medicine thinks must be involved in healing. They are Spirit, nourishment, medicines, acupuncture, acupressure, and breathing. In seeking my own healing I have dealt with all these things but one, and while I am better, I am not healed. The one thing I have not dealt with is my broken spirit.


Then comes my huge crisis with loss of my safe place in Best Friend. (see previous post). I talked with my current support friends about whether it's necessary for me to challenge the place she's in and express my hurt and loss of safety. I have a chronic dry cough that my healers think is from not expressing my opinion. But the Tao says what is an opinion? am I right or are you? will it make any difference? so one of the people I asked was Tai Chi Teacher. We discussed it for an hour, and one of the things he mentioned was the teaching of Carolyn Myss. It was the right word at the right moment.


I got three of her books even though I already have the "complete Healer's guide" and was quite put off by some of her blunt opinions.


In going through the first two books - I read them both simultaneously - I learned a tremendous amount about how our spirits work and where these relationship issues come from. I realized that god's question of "would I be healed?" was still open. I was only able to give a lukewarm yes at first, but after a day or two felt an enthusiastic, thrilled YES bubble up from within. I began to restore my relationship with God, realizing that I had said, " you can be anything except the God who hurt me so badly before, and I will go any direction except New Age, which would confirm what all those people thought about me," (and make me unsafe with Best Friend who is still a Christian). When I was able to see these fears holding me back, and let go of them , I knew my spirit could now be on the mend.


In regards to best friend I looked for guidance in Carolyn's books. At first I thought my lack of speaking was an individuation problem, that by not acknowledging my opinions I was damaging my spirit. With heavy heart I prepared to have the conversation with Best Friend and prepared myself for whatever would come after that. Our meeting was delayed and I reached the last chapter of Anatomy of the Spirit. With a relief that flooded my body and released my spirit, I saw that it was my fear of rejection that caused me to feel unsafe with her political mania, and that it's just her path and is not personal to me. If the friendship cools because of it it's only because our paths are diverging, and I am totally comfortable with that.


Today is a hard day physically. I call this kind of day " a couch day". I feel bad enough that if I try to accomplish anything I know I will only be making things worse and delaying my recovery. So I am consigned to the couch for the day. But it's not the prison it was, because I am able to spend time with God. I prayed like I used to, feeling the truth of the prayer in my spirit, and the comfort of the presence of God in it. Hence the bumble bee story, I only had to move a little bit to bee free again.

Floating the Head

In Tai Chi we are encouraged to "float the head". This does not mean to stretch one's neck up, but to release the tension in one's neck so that the head simply "floats" into its proper position. Relatively frequently, as I work to become aware of and to release the muscle tension I habitually carry in my body, I find some new spot of tension which I can release. The most recent new one is a very tiny band of tension which goes from the side of the neck, up through through the jaw muscles and progresses up the sides and over the top of my head. When I get this just right I begin to get a feeling of what it means to "float the head". And when I get it right I feel muscles all the way down my back relaxing.

Its amazing that this little band or group of muscles also carries an emotional association, a sort of attitude of oppression. Although I never recognised it before I found this tension, now I can feel that the releasing carries the sensation of a burden of oppression being lifted off of my head. When I let it go I feel a touch of freedom, a lighthearted "I don't have to feel that way" sort of feeling.

Of course holding this tension is an old, old habit. Teaching my body that it doesn't need it any more takes a while. So all day long, every day, I practise releasing this little area every time I think of it. I tell the tension "thank you for being there when I needed you, but you're not needed any more", and telling myself, "this is right, this feels good, lets feel like this more often".

After a while the new habit takes over, and with it, a tiny little bit of new attitude. There's no big magic cure here, just an accumulation of tiny things overcome and let go.

Growth and healing never is as fast, big, or dramatic as I want it to be. But like the tiny seedlings in my greenhouse this week, small things taken care of, nurtured and allowed to grow can produce abundant fruit.

Cooking cooking cooking

Made a second effort on bread. Trying to replace the bread I love, Maple Leaf Bakeries' Multigrain, a staple in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. At nearly $4 a loaf it is now too expensive. I'm working with a recipe called Jack of All Breads from an old paperback camping cookbook which has long ago passed out of my collection. It is the only bread recipe with which I have had consistent success. Instead of wheat germ used quinoa - tasty and nutritious. Also added a mixture of seeds for their analgesic value, and because the bread I love has seeds too, especially sunflower seeds which gain a certain yummy texture and flavor when baked...I digress. Also made Arroz a la Mallorca to eat by myself over the next two weeks, and Monterey Chix with rice out of an old Southwest Cookbook to feed to friends on the ranch this weekend. I'm sure there will be more about these over the next few posts.


I hope this blog will be about the last ten years, a struggle with self, culture, hereditary expectations, Chronic Fatigue, tai chi, healing, food, Western Colorado (my home whether I like it or not, sometimes both in the same breath), and many other things including the philosophy of Terry Pratchett. May the gods bear with me.