I guess you're probably tired of pictures of the cats already, but beware! I have never had such photographable cats before. This is Anapurna all comfy in a pot just coming out of its winter blues. I was going to dig out the creeping Jenny and put in flowers but if she continues to like to sleep there, I think I'll leave it. A potted cat is as pretty as potted flowers anytime.


I'm still struggling with a feeling of loss and a tired depression as I try to come to terms with the situation of Best Friend. it's just the cap on a month of little troubles. Little and big things are breaking and failing all over the place, and every repair is taking eons longer than it should. I'm behind on planting by about a week because the irrigation problem still isn't fixed and I can't plant before I have a reliable flow of water. Things in the gardens are beginning to show the need for water. And it storms every day, but no rain. That's an odd thing about our valley, the rain clouds seem to skirt around the outsides of the valley most of the time. We've had lots of wind and dust. My kitchen window has a new layer of dusty dried droplets on it. Soon I won't have to pull down the shade when the sun is bright because the sunlight won't be able to penetrate the multilayer dust coatings.

nothing

Since my previous post I've had two conversations with friends who also fear the mania which seems to be overtaking us through the media. Independently of each other they both said "this is the kind of thing that causes a civil war". What a thought. At least I'm not the only one frightened and alienated by it. Wow, the pendulum swings and who knows where it is going to lead us. Kind of scary!

outrage is addictive

Feeling sick and sad today. Best Friends' house, the ranch, is no longer a safe and restful place to go. It's because of politics. Foremost in their minds at all times are all the things that are wrong with everything, and there's no room for anyone who has any kind of different opinion. They've become addicted to the TV shows that spew vitriol and half truths twisted out of recognition. The wonderful spirit of joy and restfulness their home used to have is gone.
They used to be God centered, their home and their minds filled with desire for God and desire to give aid and comfort in His way. Now Opinions, couched as Christianity, have filled their home with strife and rancor. And they can't get enough. Just like addicts they look for a little more each day, waking up looking for the new outrage and checking the pundits just before bed. I just want to cry.
I've had to come to a place of seeking peace in my surroundings, stress is the most draining activity and strident voices and tales of the other guy's perfidy always make me tense. There's something I've always felt that I have never heard from anyone else, that is that when I hear someone criticizing someone in a hateful way I am fully aware that I might be that other person, and the person criticizing them today is likely to be criticizing me in the same way when I'm not around tomorrow.
I have a chronic dry tickle cough, the theory of the healers is that it comes from not speaking. It's one of the reasons I started this blog, to have a place to say these things. They say one has to get over the fear of not being accepted if one speaks her mind. Well, it's not safe to speak one's mind! Not if you listen to the people around you. My opinion is often at odds with the world and my family, I've become used to this over a lifetime of always being on the wrong side in their eyes. I'm what I call and Alternate Thinker, I can almost always see both side of an argument. In a college class where I was always the one with the unpopular opinion I was called Devil's Advocate. A common phrase for one who argues the opposite side, but the inference of course is that the opposite side is evil. And I can tell you from experience that it is never safe to say what I think. Even having or choosing not to have an opinion has now made it unsafe to be around my best friend. I always thought she was my one safe place. If I told her how I feel about all of this now I would be one of the people she spends her days denegrating. Now my safe place is gone.
It's not about whether we agree or we don't agree politically, it's that I reject the world view presented us by the pundits whose job it is to keep us worked up, because outrage is addictive, and that keeps the rating high.
It's like she and her husband are ill. I treasure the friendship and will keep it in the hopes that they will recover, perhaps when the political pendulum swings back in their direction. But that means that I will have to repeatedly go to this unsafe, stressful place, where I have to keep my head down, until she tires of hatred and returns to her love of God. I have always been safe in her presence, even having turned my back on Christianity and declaring myself Undecided about God, not knowing who God is, so I thought she was not a "Party Line" Christian. Now I'm unsafe and it's not even about something real.

going to the ranch for the weekend

Worked hard today digging up plants to move up to the ranch. We're building a flower garden on the root cellar mound. I'm moving everything that doesn't work where it's at, or I have too much of, or I just feel like moving. It's amazing to think about the unlimited space available, wahoo!

The seedling in the greenhouse are getting big and really need to be transplanted but it's still about a week too early. Perhaps when I get back from the ranch on Monday. These days I live for the Weather Channel 10 day forecast.

Am going to try Arroz A La Mallorquina on the folds up at the ranch this time. I've really god to find some less spicy recipes for poor Best Friend's tummy. Also made dog biscuits again today. Between Pip, Chester, and Me a batch doesn't last long.

I wanted to add photos of the ranch but my computer problems are making the photos hard to get to so I'll take a bunch this weekend and post on Monday.

had a computer crisis

I haven't posted for awhile. The screen on my beautiful Sony vaio all in one desktop computer went on the fritz and finally died. I loved the graceful design and compact nature. but I found out that the all in one design has the flaw that if anything goes wrong it's terribly difficult and expensive to replace. You can't just buy a new monitor and plug it in. Bummer. So I'm on an old desktop that had been moved to the back office. I must admit - it's faster than my vaio, but then it doesn't have Vista. I had no problem with Vista, but everyone I know thinks it was a deprovement (as opposed to an improvement).
An uncomfortable fact is that the failure of the screen may have been caused by cat pee. I really would rather ignore that possibility.


More people got fired in The field this last week, so tightening of the budget continues. I had to give up my much beloved cleaning lady. She's one of the coolest friends. I had to give up another friend earlier this year when gardening season started and I had to tell my "weeding lady " that I could not afford her. Later this year I may have to give up my massage therapist. I love all three of these women. As the only people I see, or used to see, on a regular basis, they represent half of my social life. It's a sad statement when your social life consists mostly of people you pay to come to your house. I never actually dreamed I would have household help like that, but when I got chronic fatigue it became necessary. I am feeling better, so if I manage it wisely and don't overtire myself, I should be able to keep up. So I'm no longer the spoiled housewife who gets her house cleaned and her weeds pulled for her.

I let them go as an alternative to getting a job. I can't work enough to make any significant money so I'll have to help out by cutting costs. It feels like a season of loss, things I love breaking and friends leaving. My sleep patterns are all disrupted so I think I'm showing some stress symptoms.

I made some cat food - kibbles last night. Boy was it stinky, it had a can of Mackerel in it. I put it out for hungry cats this morning and they did not approve. They sat on the table and gave me that hollow eyed look of betrayal. I think they didn't recognise it as food. So I went out and got some commercial cat food to mix with it, we'll see if they eat it or sort it out. Of course the dogs think it's great.

We've had some great light lately, one evening after a rainy day there was this beautiful orange sideways light. I have included some of the fun shots I got this week.

a crash

I've been waiting for the return of nice weather with so much anticipation. There's so much to do and the things I've done up until now have been so satisfying. In addition to rebuilding that one little bed in front of the greenhouse I've moved some plants, improved the edge of the patio under the crab apple tree and replaced some of the stones I pulled out of the edge of the patio to plant the dwarf elberta spruces. I didn't like the spruces there and so have returned them to pots, their effect in pots is so good. Now I want to rebuild the top third of the dry stream, finish finessing the patio stones, redo the area behind the big gate so that I can store tools and the composter, and a dozen other things I think I need to do.

But today was a really brilliant day and all I could do was sleep. I was so fatigued and in so much pain that even wandering around trying to decide what to do was too much. Maybe tomorrow I can do something. To help me be at peace with this need for rest I made myself go and look at old pics of previous seasons. This is an example of how good the gardens can be. I really love it here.

Significant of the flaw in my thinking about the garden is the fact that I have rarely let anything grow anywhere for more than two years before I decide it needs changed. I need to appreciate how wonderful it is as is. Here again, I'm struggling, and the thing I am struggling with is of my own creation, another thing which is really nothing.

NONSENSE

You know that little box you get sometimes when you're browsing. This is what mine should say.

This page contains both secure and insecure nonsense. Do you want to display the insecure nonsense?

when you've planned a plan

When you've got a plan and someone makes suggestions and comes up with other ideas, what is that? I think they believe that they are trying to help and I know it's human nature to believe that one's own ideas are better than those belong to someone else, how would we survive if this were not so? But I also think it's an attempt on the suggester's part to assume control, assert dominance. Therefore, I as the suggestee, feel threatened and discombobulated when the new ideas are put forward. Still, I want the suggester to feel the rights of involvement, and I want their feedback, so I end up stumbling over my own insecurities, fuming to myself, and trying my best to do the thing suggested. What is that?

After a while there's a balance to be found between keeping to one's own plan and including the ideas of others, of course there is, that is the only way to accomplish what one has set out to do. But what if there's no need for any of it? Maybe the need for the accomplishment only exists in the mind of the planner?

Some time in the early 1800's a rich man from New York decided to build his wife a mansion in the remote and beautiful Unaweep Canyon in Western Colorado. She never lived in it. Perhaps he had a plan?

The Tao Te Ching says (paraphrasing) a sage (wise person) does not hold on to his own ideas. therefore he is not threatened or disappointed. I have made some progress, but I am not a sage.

scary kitten

Finally got one of those pictures of Wee Jock. I've been seeing shots like this since I was a kid, so now I've finally taken one of my own. It is, of course, the end of a yawn, but it's fun to make up things he might be saying. Whatever it is, Annapurna looks unimpressed. It kind of reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbs cartoon face.

Floating the Head

In Tai Chi we are encouraged to "float the head". This does not mean to stretch one's neck up, but to release the tension in one's neck so that the head simply "floats" into its proper position. Relatively frequently, as I work to become aware of and to release the muscle tension I habitually carry in my body, I find some new spot of tension which I can release. The most recent new one is a very tiny band of tension which goes from the side of the neck, up through through the jaw muscles and progresses up the sides and over the top of my head. When I get this just right I begin to get a feeling of what it means to "float the head". And when I get it right I feel muscles all the way down my back relaxing.

Its amazing that this little band or group of muscles also carries an emotional association, a sort of attitude of oppression. Although I never recognised it before I found this tension, now I can feel that the releasing carries the sensation of a burden of oppression being lifted off of my head. When I let it go I feel a touch of freedom, a lighthearted "I don't have to feel that way" sort of feeling.

Of course holding this tension is an old, old habit. Teaching my body that it doesn't need it any more takes a while. So all day long, every day, I practise releasing this little area every time I think of it. I tell the tension "thank you for being there when I needed you, but you're not needed any more", and telling myself, "this is right, this feels good, lets feel like this more often".

After a while the new habit takes over, and with it, a tiny little bit of new attitude. There's no big magic cure here, just an accumulation of tiny things overcome and let go.

Growth and healing never is as fast, big, or dramatic as I want it to be. But like the tiny seedlings in my greenhouse this week, small things taken care of, nurtured and allowed to grow can produce abundant fruit.

More bread

The weather remains lousy, my Weather Channel desktop keeps sounding thunder at me...





That makes it prime time to keep on baking. I've come to realize that baking good sourdough bread is going to be like learning Tai Chi. You learn it by doing it day after day, month after month. After a while you begin to get a feel for what's right, and you keep on making it, day after day.


This is my fifth batch, most of them have been edible, the best tasting one got left developing in the fridge for way longer than it was supposed to before being baked. I think I will keep that part of the technique. The latest one was really wet and floppy as dough, coming out of the oven it looks good but is still too hot to cut.

One thing I didn't expect was that it would take so much advance planning. It seems one should feed the starter 12 hours before one starts the dough, then there is making the dough, letting it sit for 4 or 5 hours, cutting and shaping the loaves, more rising, 12 hours of sitting in the fridge, 3 hours of warming up before just 30 minutes of baking. The first time I tried to do everything exactly right and I ended up setting an alarm clock and getting up in the middle of the night to shape the loaves, dozing on the couch for an hour and then putting the loaves in the fridge before going back to bed. Jeeze Louise! Well, I'm learning to think two days ahead, and doing something with bread every day and every evening. I have loaves at all stages now. I'm also getting a bit more casual about the timing. If something has to be done at a time that is not the time called for in the recipe, it just becomes a learning experience.

The best so far has been the dog biscuits I made with some extra starter, the recipe was out of the La Brea Bread Book. They're really just thick, dry, sourdough crackers and I can't stop eating them, I love the crunchiness. Oh, and the dogs love them too. It seems the sourdough smells real tasty to them, Chester keeps pointing his nose at the place where the starter is kept on the counter.

As I've said before, I am working with Nancy Silverman's La Brea Bread book. It makes great reading and will tell you everything you need to know, but it's pretty hard to cook from. She recommends that one learn to make a country loaf first, and the recipe takes up 16 pages! After wading through all of that information looking for the actual directions I took a pencil and underlined what I needed, typed it off and printed the one page recipe for my own use. The other recipes are not quite as bad, but one still has to look for the directions amid all of the info. I'm hoping another good bread book will come my way one of these days.

My friend let me borrow the Tassajara bread book, a classic from hippie times. I will be making my first loaf from it tomorrow. Their technique for working with the starter is different so I'm looking forward to seeing if it makes any difference.