First Salsa

A moment to celebrate, the first bunch of tomatoes went in to a batch of salsa this afternoon.

Cactus are still blooming

The Prickly Pear are still blooming up at the ranch. Here is a lovely yellow one with apricot buds. If you look closely you can see a tiny bee relative hovering in front of it.









Also the Lupines are blooming up there, they don't survive here in the lower desert, but are lovely wild up there.


















Have begun reading the words of Sufi poet Hafiz. His yearning for the rich wine of the spirit of god resonates. As does the desolation of one from whom that joyous pleasure has been withdrawn. My heart is a lined sheet of paper, nothing is written there.

turk's cap lilies

Well I was wrong, silly me. These are the golden turk's caps and they are totally stunning against the bronze red plum leaves.


















Went back to the ranch again to visit best friend. Political tension was not so high this time, they were able to talk about other things as well. I figured out that the reason they had never before been so rabid about politics is because they never had Fox News before they moved here and got Dish Network. Now they believe everything they hear on that blighted network and I feared I had lost the only real soul friend I've ever had. This time she was back to her softer self and I felt a bit more comfortable. Also for the first time I used Caroline Myss's method of looking at the situation symbolically. It was greatly helpful because I was able to get past feeling threatened by their vitriol and being able to feel loving toward them even as I hate their political conversation and mean spirited jokes, because I approached it from a sense of security in myself. And, having got past the spewing we even actually were able to have one of the fulfilling spiritual conversations we so treasure.




















It was lovely at the ranch, the grasses all growing and ripening. There were swallows nesting under the eves of the buildings and they were enchanting to watch.

I'm in love with buds

I'm in love with buds this spring, here is a shot of some beautiful red tinged lily buds in front of the red leaves of a plum tree. wonderfully, these buds will turn into white Turk's Cap Lillies.

By the way can anyone tell me how to remove a photo once I've accidentally downloaded the wrong one?

a successful corner of the garden

This clematis is the best it's ever been this year. Cool weather has kept all of the flowers around longer than usual. It's a treat.

trying a new angle on healing

Weejock must have great Liver's Blood!


Got fed up with not being able to make any progress on relaxing. Had a chi gung class where I was the only student who showed up, so asked Tai Chi Teacher about the pain in my hip associated with the psoas muscle. We determined that I probably have tendonitis where it attaches to the crest of the hipbone.

Went to see Dr. S (Doc of Traditional Chinese medicine) armed with a library of Chinese medicine books. The important point comes from "Web That Has No Weaver" by Ted Kapchuk. pg. 255:

"The Liver's blood is responsible for basic repose, unhurried cyclical movements, a gentle milieu, the absence of a need to go anywhere, and the easy sense of self-acknowledgement. the Liver's blood softens, moistens, and relaxes.
When the Liver's Blood is deficient, a person will be inappropriately tense, feel confined, nervously fidget, have tight tendons, stiff joints, or spasmodic movements."

This is definitely what I have been battling since I became ill, and both Dr. S and I suspect have had most of my life. I have never been flexible, always tense, and have a terrible time with self-acknowledgement. In all of my reading I kept coming back to things which pointed to Liver deficiency. When I asked Dr. S what kind of deficiency she said probably several, they overlap and exacerbate one another, and spread to other organ systems.

So she said she rarely gets to treat people for Liver deficiencies because of the time it takes and the expense, but if I was willing to commit to six months of herbal therapy she had a plan...
What's six months when you've been tight all your life? I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a couple of years. I've tried so many different therapies to no avail, I don' t want a quick cure, I want one that works!

and another light

These photos are a little disappointing in this small format, the detail doesn't show up. Also the continual haze around here - dust, sage pollen, and, later in the summer, wildfire smoke makes it hard to get a good photo. Double click on the picture to get a much better look at it.

in a different light

Colorado National Monument

good sunset

We've had some really great sunsets lately. All the partly cloudy and cloudy days say goodbye spectacularly.

Had D over for dinner last night, celebrating her new freedom. The company finally sold and so that monster is off her back. It was fun to fill my porch with her laughter. We talked about Yoga, spirituality, and where our lives might be going. I do love her.

Red Japanese Maple leaves above a chartreuse creeping jenny. These japanese maples die back during a hard winter and so have never got above bush height. It's kind of cool though, they have a kind of intimacy that trees might not have. On the other hand, small trees this beautiful would create quite a nice atmosphere in that part of the garden.

Here is a shot of coral Bell blossoms floating in among some stripey red and white miniature roses. I like the airy look of this combo.

the greenhouse garden

Here's an in-season shot of the little garden in front of the greenhouse. I gave ita facelift earllier this season. The edging plants are lettuces, spinach and other greens. They are so pretty. In the middle are tomato plants, swiss chard bright lights, and beets. Up against the greenhouse are a few edible pod pea plants. I have already harvested chinese broccoli out of this garden. It was bitter and strong tasting. I won't have to grow that again. I am undecided whether to plant between the peas with morning glories or beans. Maybe I'll do both, although morning glory seeds are poisonous and it's probably not good to grow them in a food garden. I probably won't plant them then.

This has not been a good month for blog posts. Somewhat it's getting the garden going, and I'm exhausted. There are some big jobs to do and it's very tiring so I have to do a job, rest a couple of days, do a job, rest a couple of days. I do tend to get frustrated.
Also it's having something significant to say. How many times can you say that the cats are adorable? But I have had significant things happen. I just feel inadequate when it comes to putting them down.
Working with Carolyn Myss' book Divine Contracts. It's very hard work. Getting to know yourself through many questions you answer about yourself in light of archetypes like the victim, the servant, the queen. I'm really a servant and really not a queen. I haven't gotten too far but I have had some insights. My Orphan Child said "when I play with God people think I'm weird." If anybody reads this they'll probably think that's really weird. I gave that child permission to play with God again. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad today, after one good prayer session there hasn't been another peep from the Divine. (I'm having trouble deciding what term to use, God, the Tao, the Divine - I just don't know. I adored the God I once knew, intellectually I adore the Tao, The Divine sounds kind of Missy Prissy to me. I'll have to choose an option, the one thing I don't want to do is call God Him. I've had enough of the God made in the image of man.)

After giving permission to play, after accepting the chance to be healed, after realizing I had constricted who I would let god be and letting go of that, I'm back in a holding pattern. Waiting for God to come back or take me forward, waiting to find out who God is and who I might get to be if I continue in this life (I'm joking, sort of. I have a very short lifeline so sometimes I wonder about it). I feel like there's something I haven't done yet, a calling or job yet to be done. But maybe that's just existential angst.

spiritual awakening

There was a bumble bee stuck in the house. Sometimes as I lay on the couch with my eyes closed he flew quite near and that big BUZZ was a bit alarming. He was frantic and flew all about and even though many windows were open he never found a way out. I could hear him but the times I tried to see him I could not. This went on for at least an hour. Finally I opened my eyes to see him battering against a window a mere inch from the open part that would allow him his freedom. Taking my empty teacup I gently guided him to the opening saying, "if you only go a little bit over here you'll be free." That simply, he was out and free and buzzed hugely away.


Then I saw the metaphor in this story. I have had a great spiritual awakening since I last posted. It was agonizing to go through. But I only had to move a little bit in one direction and I was free to buzz away.


It all started in my agony over the loss of safety in Best Friend's company. But nothing ever really begins at the beginning of the story, as Terry Pratchett says. the previous story in which this story is rooted is that once I was quite dedicated to the God of Christianity. Wow, what a way to say it, because I believe now that Christianity worships its Religion, not the true God one finds through seeking.


In that space I met Best Friend and in the safe place that was the gift she provided I became a healer in the church. But even though the church embraced gifts of healing they became afraid because they couldn't control it, and began laying down rules and punishments. The punishment being "we think you shouldn't minister for x amount of time." Sounds very reasonable but what does that have to do with the will and leading of God? It's a lack of faith and we all fell into it. We were "protecting the tribe" as Carolyn Myss would put it.


That church dissolved, Best Friend moved away and God stopped talking to me. The last words I received from God were; "you don't know me", "don't be afraid of the Heathen Redeemer, " and "You've been broken for the church, are you willing to be healed for her?" I answered No to the question, "because He won't help me". I was willing to be made willing, but unable to be willing at the time. I had done so many hard things because He had led me to, and endured the rejection of the church in so many ways because of it, I wasn't willing to go through that kind of pain any more.


Ensued 20 years of relative silence from God and many healing encounters with heathen redeemers. Best Friend has stayed by me even when she physically was far away, and unjudgementally cared for me through the journey. Finally, here I am, sick with chronic fatigue and sick of worldly things.


Most of my heathen redeemers have turned out to be in the alternative healing world. My seeking has led me to many lovely healing women who have their own ideas of God like I do and believe in the healing powers of alternative medicines and touch. ...and I encountered the Tao Te Ching. This is the best description of God and godly behavior I have ever encountered. I can hang out here, with the Tao, because it matches my understanding of the union of the spiritual and physical world.


But I was not healing, in my body or spirit, and I was completely incapable of being the healer I know I am. I came across a description of the Chinese understanding of healing in Iona Teeguarden's book "The Joy of Feeling" which listed the things traditional Chinese medicine thinks must be involved in healing. They are Spirit, nourishment, medicines, acupuncture, acupressure, and breathing. In seeking my own healing I have dealt with all these things but one, and while I am better, I am not healed. The one thing I have not dealt with is my broken spirit.


Then comes my huge crisis with loss of my safe place in Best Friend. (see previous post). I talked with my current support friends about whether it's necessary for me to challenge the place she's in and express my hurt and loss of safety. I have a chronic dry cough that my healers think is from not expressing my opinion. But the Tao says what is an opinion? am I right or are you? will it make any difference? so one of the people I asked was Tai Chi Teacher. We discussed it for an hour, and one of the things he mentioned was the teaching of Carolyn Myss. It was the right word at the right moment.


I got three of her books even though I already have the "complete Healer's guide" and was quite put off by some of her blunt opinions.


In going through the first two books - I read them both simultaneously - I learned a tremendous amount about how our spirits work and where these relationship issues come from. I realized that god's question of "would I be healed?" was still open. I was only able to give a lukewarm yes at first, but after a day or two felt an enthusiastic, thrilled YES bubble up from within. I began to restore my relationship with God, realizing that I had said, " you can be anything except the God who hurt me so badly before, and I will go any direction except New Age, which would confirm what all those people thought about me," (and make me unsafe with Best Friend who is still a Christian). When I was able to see these fears holding me back, and let go of them , I knew my spirit could now be on the mend.


In regards to best friend I looked for guidance in Carolyn's books. At first I thought my lack of speaking was an individuation problem, that by not acknowledging my opinions I was damaging my spirit. With heavy heart I prepared to have the conversation with Best Friend and prepared myself for whatever would come after that. Our meeting was delayed and I reached the last chapter of Anatomy of the Spirit. With a relief that flooded my body and released my spirit, I saw that it was my fear of rejection that caused me to feel unsafe with her political mania, and that it's just her path and is not personal to me. If the friendship cools because of it it's only because our paths are diverging, and I am totally comfortable with that.


Today is a hard day physically. I call this kind of day " a couch day". I feel bad enough that if I try to accomplish anything I know I will only be making things worse and delaying my recovery. So I am consigned to the couch for the day. But it's not the prison it was, because I am able to spend time with God. I prayed like I used to, feeling the truth of the prayer in my spirit, and the comfort of the presence of God in it. Hence the bumble bee story, I only had to move a little bit to bee free again.

freaky hail storm

We had a wonderful rainy day today. Perfect for all of the little newly planted seedlings.
The day finished off at about sunset with a hailstorm of large marble size hail. I've never seen hail that big here on the edge of the desert. Here's a photo of the girls out at the end of the storm under B2's umbrella. It's a rare treat to get to use an umbrella when you live here. You can see the hail on the ground.

I guess you're probably tired of pictures of the cats already, but beware! I have never had such photographable cats before. This is Anapurna all comfy in a pot just coming out of its winter blues. I was going to dig out the creeping Jenny and put in flowers but if she continues to like to sleep there, I think I'll leave it. A potted cat is as pretty as potted flowers anytime.


I'm still struggling with a feeling of loss and a tired depression as I try to come to terms with the situation of Best Friend. it's just the cap on a month of little troubles. Little and big things are breaking and failing all over the place, and every repair is taking eons longer than it should. I'm behind on planting by about a week because the irrigation problem still isn't fixed and I can't plant before I have a reliable flow of water. Things in the gardens are beginning to show the need for water. And it storms every day, but no rain. That's an odd thing about our valley, the rain clouds seem to skirt around the outsides of the valley most of the time. We've had lots of wind and dust. My kitchen window has a new layer of dusty dried droplets on it. Soon I won't have to pull down the shade when the sun is bright because the sunlight won't be able to penetrate the multilayer dust coatings.

nothing

Since my previous post I've had two conversations with friends who also fear the mania which seems to be overtaking us through the media. Independently of each other they both said "this is the kind of thing that causes a civil war". What a thought. At least I'm not the only one frightened and alienated by it. Wow, the pendulum swings and who knows where it is going to lead us. Kind of scary!

outrage is addictive

Feeling sick and sad today. Best Friends' house, the ranch, is no longer a safe and restful place to go. It's because of politics. Foremost in their minds at all times are all the things that are wrong with everything, and there's no room for anyone who has any kind of different opinion. They've become addicted to the TV shows that spew vitriol and half truths twisted out of recognition. The wonderful spirit of joy and restfulness their home used to have is gone.
They used to be God centered, their home and their minds filled with desire for God and desire to give aid and comfort in His way. Now Opinions, couched as Christianity, have filled their home with strife and rancor. And they can't get enough. Just like addicts they look for a little more each day, waking up looking for the new outrage and checking the pundits just before bed. I just want to cry.
I've had to come to a place of seeking peace in my surroundings, stress is the most draining activity and strident voices and tales of the other guy's perfidy always make me tense. There's something I've always felt that I have never heard from anyone else, that is that when I hear someone criticizing someone in a hateful way I am fully aware that I might be that other person, and the person criticizing them today is likely to be criticizing me in the same way when I'm not around tomorrow.
I have a chronic dry tickle cough, the theory of the healers is that it comes from not speaking. It's one of the reasons I started this blog, to have a place to say these things. They say one has to get over the fear of not being accepted if one speaks her mind. Well, it's not safe to speak one's mind! Not if you listen to the people around you. My opinion is often at odds with the world and my family, I've become used to this over a lifetime of always being on the wrong side in their eyes. I'm what I call and Alternate Thinker, I can almost always see both side of an argument. In a college class where I was always the one with the unpopular opinion I was called Devil's Advocate. A common phrase for one who argues the opposite side, but the inference of course is that the opposite side is evil. And I can tell you from experience that it is never safe to say what I think. Even having or choosing not to have an opinion has now made it unsafe to be around my best friend. I always thought she was my one safe place. If I told her how I feel about all of this now I would be one of the people she spends her days denegrating. Now my safe place is gone.
It's not about whether we agree or we don't agree politically, it's that I reject the world view presented us by the pundits whose job it is to keep us worked up, because outrage is addictive, and that keeps the rating high.
It's like she and her husband are ill. I treasure the friendship and will keep it in the hopes that they will recover, perhaps when the political pendulum swings back in their direction. But that means that I will have to repeatedly go to this unsafe, stressful place, where I have to keep my head down, until she tires of hatred and returns to her love of God. I have always been safe in her presence, even having turned my back on Christianity and declaring myself Undecided about God, not knowing who God is, so I thought she was not a "Party Line" Christian. Now I'm unsafe and it's not even about something real.

going to the ranch for the weekend

Worked hard today digging up plants to move up to the ranch. We're building a flower garden on the root cellar mound. I'm moving everything that doesn't work where it's at, or I have too much of, or I just feel like moving. It's amazing to think about the unlimited space available, wahoo!

The seedling in the greenhouse are getting big and really need to be transplanted but it's still about a week too early. Perhaps when I get back from the ranch on Monday. These days I live for the Weather Channel 10 day forecast.

Am going to try Arroz A La Mallorquina on the folds up at the ranch this time. I've really god to find some less spicy recipes for poor Best Friend's tummy. Also made dog biscuits again today. Between Pip, Chester, and Me a batch doesn't last long.

I wanted to add photos of the ranch but my computer problems are making the photos hard to get to so I'll take a bunch this weekend and post on Monday.