First Salsa

A moment to celebrate, the first bunch of tomatoes went in to a batch of salsa this afternoon.

Cactus are still blooming

The Prickly Pear are still blooming up at the ranch. Here is a lovely yellow one with apricot buds. If you look closely you can see a tiny bee relative hovering in front of it.









Also the Lupines are blooming up there, they don't survive here in the lower desert, but are lovely wild up there.


















Have begun reading the words of Sufi poet Hafiz. His yearning for the rich wine of the spirit of god resonates. As does the desolation of one from whom that joyous pleasure has been withdrawn. My heart is a lined sheet of paper, nothing is written there.

turk's cap lilies

Well I was wrong, silly me. These are the golden turk's caps and they are totally stunning against the bronze red plum leaves.


















Went back to the ranch again to visit best friend. Political tension was not so high this time, they were able to talk about other things as well. I figured out that the reason they had never before been so rabid about politics is because they never had Fox News before they moved here and got Dish Network. Now they believe everything they hear on that blighted network and I feared I had lost the only real soul friend I've ever had. This time she was back to her softer self and I felt a bit more comfortable. Also for the first time I used Caroline Myss's method of looking at the situation symbolically. It was greatly helpful because I was able to get past feeling threatened by their vitriol and being able to feel loving toward them even as I hate their political conversation and mean spirited jokes, because I approached it from a sense of security in myself. And, having got past the spewing we even actually were able to have one of the fulfilling spiritual conversations we so treasure.




















It was lovely at the ranch, the grasses all growing and ripening. There were swallows nesting under the eves of the buildings and they were enchanting to watch.

I'm in love with buds

I'm in love with buds this spring, here is a shot of some beautiful red tinged lily buds in front of the red leaves of a plum tree. wonderfully, these buds will turn into white Turk's Cap Lillies.

By the way can anyone tell me how to remove a photo once I've accidentally downloaded the wrong one?

a successful corner of the garden

This clematis is the best it's ever been this year. Cool weather has kept all of the flowers around longer than usual. It's a treat.

trying a new angle on healing

Weejock must have great Liver's Blood!


Got fed up with not being able to make any progress on relaxing. Had a chi gung class where I was the only student who showed up, so asked Tai Chi Teacher about the pain in my hip associated with the psoas muscle. We determined that I probably have tendonitis where it attaches to the crest of the hipbone.

Went to see Dr. S (Doc of Traditional Chinese medicine) armed with a library of Chinese medicine books. The important point comes from "Web That Has No Weaver" by Ted Kapchuk. pg. 255:

"The Liver's blood is responsible for basic repose, unhurried cyclical movements, a gentle milieu, the absence of a need to go anywhere, and the easy sense of self-acknowledgement. the Liver's blood softens, moistens, and relaxes.
When the Liver's Blood is deficient, a person will be inappropriately tense, feel confined, nervously fidget, have tight tendons, stiff joints, or spasmodic movements."

This is definitely what I have been battling since I became ill, and both Dr. S and I suspect have had most of my life. I have never been flexible, always tense, and have a terrible time with self-acknowledgement. In all of my reading I kept coming back to things which pointed to Liver deficiency. When I asked Dr. S what kind of deficiency she said probably several, they overlap and exacerbate one another, and spread to other organ systems.

So she said she rarely gets to treat people for Liver deficiencies because of the time it takes and the expense, but if I was willing to commit to six months of herbal therapy she had a plan...
What's six months when you've been tight all your life? I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a couple of years. I've tried so many different therapies to no avail, I don' t want a quick cure, I want one that works!

and another light

These photos are a little disappointing in this small format, the detail doesn't show up. Also the continual haze around here - dust, sage pollen, and, later in the summer, wildfire smoke makes it hard to get a good photo. Double click on the picture to get a much better look at it.

in a different light

Colorado National Monument

good sunset

We've had some really great sunsets lately. All the partly cloudy and cloudy days say goodbye spectacularly.

Had D over for dinner last night, celebrating her new freedom. The company finally sold and so that monster is off her back. It was fun to fill my porch with her laughter. We talked about Yoga, spirituality, and where our lives might be going. I do love her.

Red Japanese Maple leaves above a chartreuse creeping jenny. These japanese maples die back during a hard winter and so have never got above bush height. It's kind of cool though, they have a kind of intimacy that trees might not have. On the other hand, small trees this beautiful would create quite a nice atmosphere in that part of the garden.

Here is a shot of coral Bell blossoms floating in among some stripey red and white miniature roses. I like the airy look of this combo.

the greenhouse garden

Here's an in-season shot of the little garden in front of the greenhouse. I gave ita facelift earllier this season. The edging plants are lettuces, spinach and other greens. They are so pretty. In the middle are tomato plants, swiss chard bright lights, and beets. Up against the greenhouse are a few edible pod pea plants. I have already harvested chinese broccoli out of this garden. It was bitter and strong tasting. I won't have to grow that again. I am undecided whether to plant between the peas with morning glories or beans. Maybe I'll do both, although morning glory seeds are poisonous and it's probably not good to grow them in a food garden. I probably won't plant them then.

This has not been a good month for blog posts. Somewhat it's getting the garden going, and I'm exhausted. There are some big jobs to do and it's very tiring so I have to do a job, rest a couple of days, do a job, rest a couple of days. I do tend to get frustrated.
Also it's having something significant to say. How many times can you say that the cats are adorable? But I have had significant things happen. I just feel inadequate when it comes to putting them down.
Working with Carolyn Myss' book Divine Contracts. It's very hard work. Getting to know yourself through many questions you answer about yourself in light of archetypes like the victim, the servant, the queen. I'm really a servant and really not a queen. I haven't gotten too far but I have had some insights. My Orphan Child said "when I play with God people think I'm weird." If anybody reads this they'll probably think that's really weird. I gave that child permission to play with God again. Perhaps that's why I feel so sad today, after one good prayer session there hasn't been another peep from the Divine. (I'm having trouble deciding what term to use, God, the Tao, the Divine - I just don't know. I adored the God I once knew, intellectually I adore the Tao, The Divine sounds kind of Missy Prissy to me. I'll have to choose an option, the one thing I don't want to do is call God Him. I've had enough of the God made in the image of man.)

After giving permission to play, after accepting the chance to be healed, after realizing I had constricted who I would let god be and letting go of that, I'm back in a holding pattern. Waiting for God to come back or take me forward, waiting to find out who God is and who I might get to be if I continue in this life (I'm joking, sort of. I have a very short lifeline so sometimes I wonder about it). I feel like there's something I haven't done yet, a calling or job yet to be done. But maybe that's just existential angst.

spiritual awakening

There was a bumble bee stuck in the house. Sometimes as I lay on the couch with my eyes closed he flew quite near and that big BUZZ was a bit alarming. He was frantic and flew all about and even though many windows were open he never found a way out. I could hear him but the times I tried to see him I could not. This went on for at least an hour. Finally I opened my eyes to see him battering against a window a mere inch from the open part that would allow him his freedom. Taking my empty teacup I gently guided him to the opening saying, "if you only go a little bit over here you'll be free." That simply, he was out and free and buzzed hugely away.


Then I saw the metaphor in this story. I have had a great spiritual awakening since I last posted. It was agonizing to go through. But I only had to move a little bit in one direction and I was free to buzz away.


It all started in my agony over the loss of safety in Best Friend's company. But nothing ever really begins at the beginning of the story, as Terry Pratchett says. the previous story in which this story is rooted is that once I was quite dedicated to the God of Christianity. Wow, what a way to say it, because I believe now that Christianity worships its Religion, not the true God one finds through seeking.


In that space I met Best Friend and in the safe place that was the gift she provided I became a healer in the church. But even though the church embraced gifts of healing they became afraid because they couldn't control it, and began laying down rules and punishments. The punishment being "we think you shouldn't minister for x amount of time." Sounds very reasonable but what does that have to do with the will and leading of God? It's a lack of faith and we all fell into it. We were "protecting the tribe" as Carolyn Myss would put it.


That church dissolved, Best Friend moved away and God stopped talking to me. The last words I received from God were; "you don't know me", "don't be afraid of the Heathen Redeemer, " and "You've been broken for the church, are you willing to be healed for her?" I answered No to the question, "because He won't help me". I was willing to be made willing, but unable to be willing at the time. I had done so many hard things because He had led me to, and endured the rejection of the church in so many ways because of it, I wasn't willing to go through that kind of pain any more.


Ensued 20 years of relative silence from God and many healing encounters with heathen redeemers. Best Friend has stayed by me even when she physically was far away, and unjudgementally cared for me through the journey. Finally, here I am, sick with chronic fatigue and sick of worldly things.


Most of my heathen redeemers have turned out to be in the alternative healing world. My seeking has led me to many lovely healing women who have their own ideas of God like I do and believe in the healing powers of alternative medicines and touch. ...and I encountered the Tao Te Ching. This is the best description of God and godly behavior I have ever encountered. I can hang out here, with the Tao, because it matches my understanding of the union of the spiritual and physical world.


But I was not healing, in my body or spirit, and I was completely incapable of being the healer I know I am. I came across a description of the Chinese understanding of healing in Iona Teeguarden's book "The Joy of Feeling" which listed the things traditional Chinese medicine thinks must be involved in healing. They are Spirit, nourishment, medicines, acupuncture, acupressure, and breathing. In seeking my own healing I have dealt with all these things but one, and while I am better, I am not healed. The one thing I have not dealt with is my broken spirit.


Then comes my huge crisis with loss of my safe place in Best Friend. (see previous post). I talked with my current support friends about whether it's necessary for me to challenge the place she's in and express my hurt and loss of safety. I have a chronic dry cough that my healers think is from not expressing my opinion. But the Tao says what is an opinion? am I right or are you? will it make any difference? so one of the people I asked was Tai Chi Teacher. We discussed it for an hour, and one of the things he mentioned was the teaching of Carolyn Myss. It was the right word at the right moment.


I got three of her books even though I already have the "complete Healer's guide" and was quite put off by some of her blunt opinions.


In going through the first two books - I read them both simultaneously - I learned a tremendous amount about how our spirits work and where these relationship issues come from. I realized that god's question of "would I be healed?" was still open. I was only able to give a lukewarm yes at first, but after a day or two felt an enthusiastic, thrilled YES bubble up from within. I began to restore my relationship with God, realizing that I had said, " you can be anything except the God who hurt me so badly before, and I will go any direction except New Age, which would confirm what all those people thought about me," (and make me unsafe with Best Friend who is still a Christian). When I was able to see these fears holding me back, and let go of them , I knew my spirit could now be on the mend.


In regards to best friend I looked for guidance in Carolyn's books. At first I thought my lack of speaking was an individuation problem, that by not acknowledging my opinions I was damaging my spirit. With heavy heart I prepared to have the conversation with Best Friend and prepared myself for whatever would come after that. Our meeting was delayed and I reached the last chapter of Anatomy of the Spirit. With a relief that flooded my body and released my spirit, I saw that it was my fear of rejection that caused me to feel unsafe with her political mania, and that it's just her path and is not personal to me. If the friendship cools because of it it's only because our paths are diverging, and I am totally comfortable with that.


Today is a hard day physically. I call this kind of day " a couch day". I feel bad enough that if I try to accomplish anything I know I will only be making things worse and delaying my recovery. So I am consigned to the couch for the day. But it's not the prison it was, because I am able to spend time with God. I prayed like I used to, feeling the truth of the prayer in my spirit, and the comfort of the presence of God in it. Hence the bumble bee story, I only had to move a little bit to bee free again.

freaky hail storm

We had a wonderful rainy day today. Perfect for all of the little newly planted seedlings.
The day finished off at about sunset with a hailstorm of large marble size hail. I've never seen hail that big here on the edge of the desert. Here's a photo of the girls out at the end of the storm under B2's umbrella. It's a rare treat to get to use an umbrella when you live here. You can see the hail on the ground.

I guess you're probably tired of pictures of the cats already, but beware! I have never had such photographable cats before. This is Anapurna all comfy in a pot just coming out of its winter blues. I was going to dig out the creeping Jenny and put in flowers but if she continues to like to sleep there, I think I'll leave it. A potted cat is as pretty as potted flowers anytime.


I'm still struggling with a feeling of loss and a tired depression as I try to come to terms with the situation of Best Friend. it's just the cap on a month of little troubles. Little and big things are breaking and failing all over the place, and every repair is taking eons longer than it should. I'm behind on planting by about a week because the irrigation problem still isn't fixed and I can't plant before I have a reliable flow of water. Things in the gardens are beginning to show the need for water. And it storms every day, but no rain. That's an odd thing about our valley, the rain clouds seem to skirt around the outsides of the valley most of the time. We've had lots of wind and dust. My kitchen window has a new layer of dusty dried droplets on it. Soon I won't have to pull down the shade when the sun is bright because the sunlight won't be able to penetrate the multilayer dust coatings.

nothing

Since my previous post I've had two conversations with friends who also fear the mania which seems to be overtaking us through the media. Independently of each other they both said "this is the kind of thing that causes a civil war". What a thought. At least I'm not the only one frightened and alienated by it. Wow, the pendulum swings and who knows where it is going to lead us. Kind of scary!

outrage is addictive

Feeling sick and sad today. Best Friends' house, the ranch, is no longer a safe and restful place to go. It's because of politics. Foremost in their minds at all times are all the things that are wrong with everything, and there's no room for anyone who has any kind of different opinion. They've become addicted to the TV shows that spew vitriol and half truths twisted out of recognition. The wonderful spirit of joy and restfulness their home used to have is gone.
They used to be God centered, their home and their minds filled with desire for God and desire to give aid and comfort in His way. Now Opinions, couched as Christianity, have filled their home with strife and rancor. And they can't get enough. Just like addicts they look for a little more each day, waking up looking for the new outrage and checking the pundits just before bed. I just want to cry.
I've had to come to a place of seeking peace in my surroundings, stress is the most draining activity and strident voices and tales of the other guy's perfidy always make me tense. There's something I've always felt that I have never heard from anyone else, that is that when I hear someone criticizing someone in a hateful way I am fully aware that I might be that other person, and the person criticizing them today is likely to be criticizing me in the same way when I'm not around tomorrow.
I have a chronic dry tickle cough, the theory of the healers is that it comes from not speaking. It's one of the reasons I started this blog, to have a place to say these things. They say one has to get over the fear of not being accepted if one speaks her mind. Well, it's not safe to speak one's mind! Not if you listen to the people around you. My opinion is often at odds with the world and my family, I've become used to this over a lifetime of always being on the wrong side in their eyes. I'm what I call and Alternate Thinker, I can almost always see both side of an argument. In a college class where I was always the one with the unpopular opinion I was called Devil's Advocate. A common phrase for one who argues the opposite side, but the inference of course is that the opposite side is evil. And I can tell you from experience that it is never safe to say what I think. Even having or choosing not to have an opinion has now made it unsafe to be around my best friend. I always thought she was my one safe place. If I told her how I feel about all of this now I would be one of the people she spends her days denegrating. Now my safe place is gone.
It's not about whether we agree or we don't agree politically, it's that I reject the world view presented us by the pundits whose job it is to keep us worked up, because outrage is addictive, and that keeps the rating high.
It's like she and her husband are ill. I treasure the friendship and will keep it in the hopes that they will recover, perhaps when the political pendulum swings back in their direction. But that means that I will have to repeatedly go to this unsafe, stressful place, where I have to keep my head down, until she tires of hatred and returns to her love of God. I have always been safe in her presence, even having turned my back on Christianity and declaring myself Undecided about God, not knowing who God is, so I thought she was not a "Party Line" Christian. Now I'm unsafe and it's not even about something real.

going to the ranch for the weekend

Worked hard today digging up plants to move up to the ranch. We're building a flower garden on the root cellar mound. I'm moving everything that doesn't work where it's at, or I have too much of, or I just feel like moving. It's amazing to think about the unlimited space available, wahoo!

The seedling in the greenhouse are getting big and really need to be transplanted but it's still about a week too early. Perhaps when I get back from the ranch on Monday. These days I live for the Weather Channel 10 day forecast.

Am going to try Arroz A La Mallorquina on the folds up at the ranch this time. I've really god to find some less spicy recipes for poor Best Friend's tummy. Also made dog biscuits again today. Between Pip, Chester, and Me a batch doesn't last long.

I wanted to add photos of the ranch but my computer problems are making the photos hard to get to so I'll take a bunch this weekend and post on Monday.

had a computer crisis

I haven't posted for awhile. The screen on my beautiful Sony vaio all in one desktop computer went on the fritz and finally died. I loved the graceful design and compact nature. but I found out that the all in one design has the flaw that if anything goes wrong it's terribly difficult and expensive to replace. You can't just buy a new monitor and plug it in. Bummer. So I'm on an old desktop that had been moved to the back office. I must admit - it's faster than my vaio, but then it doesn't have Vista. I had no problem with Vista, but everyone I know thinks it was a deprovement (as opposed to an improvement).
An uncomfortable fact is that the failure of the screen may have been caused by cat pee. I really would rather ignore that possibility.


More people got fired in The field this last week, so tightening of the budget continues. I had to give up my much beloved cleaning lady. She's one of the coolest friends. I had to give up another friend earlier this year when gardening season started and I had to tell my "weeding lady " that I could not afford her. Later this year I may have to give up my massage therapist. I love all three of these women. As the only people I see, or used to see, on a regular basis, they represent half of my social life. It's a sad statement when your social life consists mostly of people you pay to come to your house. I never actually dreamed I would have household help like that, but when I got chronic fatigue it became necessary. I am feeling better, so if I manage it wisely and don't overtire myself, I should be able to keep up. So I'm no longer the spoiled housewife who gets her house cleaned and her weeds pulled for her.

I let them go as an alternative to getting a job. I can't work enough to make any significant money so I'll have to help out by cutting costs. It feels like a season of loss, things I love breaking and friends leaving. My sleep patterns are all disrupted so I think I'm showing some stress symptoms.

I made some cat food - kibbles last night. Boy was it stinky, it had a can of Mackerel in it. I put it out for hungry cats this morning and they did not approve. They sat on the table and gave me that hollow eyed look of betrayal. I think they didn't recognise it as food. So I went out and got some commercial cat food to mix with it, we'll see if they eat it or sort it out. Of course the dogs think it's great.

We've had some great light lately, one evening after a rainy day there was this beautiful orange sideways light. I have included some of the fun shots I got this week.

a crash

I've been waiting for the return of nice weather with so much anticipation. There's so much to do and the things I've done up until now have been so satisfying. In addition to rebuilding that one little bed in front of the greenhouse I've moved some plants, improved the edge of the patio under the crab apple tree and replaced some of the stones I pulled out of the edge of the patio to plant the dwarf elberta spruces. I didn't like the spruces there and so have returned them to pots, their effect in pots is so good. Now I want to rebuild the top third of the dry stream, finish finessing the patio stones, redo the area behind the big gate so that I can store tools and the composter, and a dozen other things I think I need to do.

But today was a really brilliant day and all I could do was sleep. I was so fatigued and in so much pain that even wandering around trying to decide what to do was too much. Maybe tomorrow I can do something. To help me be at peace with this need for rest I made myself go and look at old pics of previous seasons. This is an example of how good the gardens can be. I really love it here.

Significant of the flaw in my thinking about the garden is the fact that I have rarely let anything grow anywhere for more than two years before I decide it needs changed. I need to appreciate how wonderful it is as is. Here again, I'm struggling, and the thing I am struggling with is of my own creation, another thing which is really nothing.

NONSENSE

You know that little box you get sometimes when you're browsing. This is what mine should say.

This page contains both secure and insecure nonsense. Do you want to display the insecure nonsense?

when you've planned a plan

When you've got a plan and someone makes suggestions and comes up with other ideas, what is that? I think they believe that they are trying to help and I know it's human nature to believe that one's own ideas are better than those belong to someone else, how would we survive if this were not so? But I also think it's an attempt on the suggester's part to assume control, assert dominance. Therefore, I as the suggestee, feel threatened and discombobulated when the new ideas are put forward. Still, I want the suggester to feel the rights of involvement, and I want their feedback, so I end up stumbling over my own insecurities, fuming to myself, and trying my best to do the thing suggested. What is that?

After a while there's a balance to be found between keeping to one's own plan and including the ideas of others, of course there is, that is the only way to accomplish what one has set out to do. But what if there's no need for any of it? Maybe the need for the accomplishment only exists in the mind of the planner?

Some time in the early 1800's a rich man from New York decided to build his wife a mansion in the remote and beautiful Unaweep Canyon in Western Colorado. She never lived in it. Perhaps he had a plan?

The Tao Te Ching says (paraphrasing) a sage (wise person) does not hold on to his own ideas. therefore he is not threatened or disappointed. I have made some progress, but I am not a sage.

scary kitten

Finally got one of those pictures of Wee Jock. I've been seeing shots like this since I was a kid, so now I've finally taken one of my own. It is, of course, the end of a yawn, but it's fun to make up things he might be saying. Whatever it is, Annapurna looks unimpressed. It kind of reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbs cartoon face.

Floating the Head

In Tai Chi we are encouraged to "float the head". This does not mean to stretch one's neck up, but to release the tension in one's neck so that the head simply "floats" into its proper position. Relatively frequently, as I work to become aware of and to release the muscle tension I habitually carry in my body, I find some new spot of tension which I can release. The most recent new one is a very tiny band of tension which goes from the side of the neck, up through through the jaw muscles and progresses up the sides and over the top of my head. When I get this just right I begin to get a feeling of what it means to "float the head". And when I get it right I feel muscles all the way down my back relaxing.

Its amazing that this little band or group of muscles also carries an emotional association, a sort of attitude of oppression. Although I never recognised it before I found this tension, now I can feel that the releasing carries the sensation of a burden of oppression being lifted off of my head. When I let it go I feel a touch of freedom, a lighthearted "I don't have to feel that way" sort of feeling.

Of course holding this tension is an old, old habit. Teaching my body that it doesn't need it any more takes a while. So all day long, every day, I practise releasing this little area every time I think of it. I tell the tension "thank you for being there when I needed you, but you're not needed any more", and telling myself, "this is right, this feels good, lets feel like this more often".

After a while the new habit takes over, and with it, a tiny little bit of new attitude. There's no big magic cure here, just an accumulation of tiny things overcome and let go.

Growth and healing never is as fast, big, or dramatic as I want it to be. But like the tiny seedlings in my greenhouse this week, small things taken care of, nurtured and allowed to grow can produce abundant fruit.

More bread

The weather remains lousy, my Weather Channel desktop keeps sounding thunder at me...





That makes it prime time to keep on baking. I've come to realize that baking good sourdough bread is going to be like learning Tai Chi. You learn it by doing it day after day, month after month. After a while you begin to get a feel for what's right, and you keep on making it, day after day.


This is my fifth batch, most of them have been edible, the best tasting one got left developing in the fridge for way longer than it was supposed to before being baked. I think I will keep that part of the technique. The latest one was really wet and floppy as dough, coming out of the oven it looks good but is still too hot to cut.

One thing I didn't expect was that it would take so much advance planning. It seems one should feed the starter 12 hours before one starts the dough, then there is making the dough, letting it sit for 4 or 5 hours, cutting and shaping the loaves, more rising, 12 hours of sitting in the fridge, 3 hours of warming up before just 30 minutes of baking. The first time I tried to do everything exactly right and I ended up setting an alarm clock and getting up in the middle of the night to shape the loaves, dozing on the couch for an hour and then putting the loaves in the fridge before going back to bed. Jeeze Louise! Well, I'm learning to think two days ahead, and doing something with bread every day and every evening. I have loaves at all stages now. I'm also getting a bit more casual about the timing. If something has to be done at a time that is not the time called for in the recipe, it just becomes a learning experience.

The best so far has been the dog biscuits I made with some extra starter, the recipe was out of the La Brea Bread Book. They're really just thick, dry, sourdough crackers and I can't stop eating them, I love the crunchiness. Oh, and the dogs love them too. It seems the sourdough smells real tasty to them, Chester keeps pointing his nose at the place where the starter is kept on the counter.

As I've said before, I am working with Nancy Silverman's La Brea Bread book. It makes great reading and will tell you everything you need to know, but it's pretty hard to cook from. She recommends that one learn to make a country loaf first, and the recipe takes up 16 pages! After wading through all of that information looking for the actual directions I took a pencil and underlined what I needed, typed it off and printed the one page recipe for my own use. The other recipes are not quite as bad, but one still has to look for the directions amid all of the info. I'm hoping another good bread book will come my way one of these days.

My friend let me borrow the Tassajara bread book, a classic from hippie times. I will be making my first loaf from it tomorrow. Their technique for working with the starter is different so I'm looking forward to seeing if it makes any difference.

the air was filled with snow

Windy, and the air was filled with dust.

A good day to hang in the greenhouse,

with Percie.

Now the air is filled with snow.

the weather is under the weather

This is that little reminder that winter always drops on us just when we really begin to believe in spring.

About a month ago K got the news that he would be taking a pay cut of about 1/3. We are lucky to still be in a position to pay our bills but it means that it will be longer before the debts are payed off and he can retire. Since I came down with chronic fatigue I have not been able to work so I find myself walking in my mother's footsteps, trying to find every possible way to cut household expenses. One thing I can do is cook to replace some of the pre-prepared food we buy at the grocery store. As you could see from my previous post I am making an attempt to make bread. Since I really love good bread and really good bread is approaching $4 a loaf these days, this could be a way to cut costs. Also there is the satisfaction of doing something for ourselves and our bodies, and the fact that food one has spent time and energy on feeds one's body more fully. So I am baking bread and coming up with things that will make enough to leave leftovers in the fridge which K might be tempted to eat. Of course he has "husband refrigerator blindness" and so it's an ongoing battle.

Anyway, back to the weather. Since I know that every pleasant spring day will draw me out to work on the gardens I have been using these stormy days to get a few things cooked in advance.

Here is a great brine for an inexpensive pork loin which I did over the last few days. The brine makes the meat stay moist through cooking and gives it some flavor. It has a slightly Asian flavor to it but not so strong that one can't use the leftovers for just about any purpose. In addition to the initial serving of Roast Pork Loin, I intend to use the pork for Sandwiches, Pork fried rice, Arroz A la Malloquina, and Japanese Curry Rice. It was a big Pork Loin but quite inexpensive at a dollar forty something a pound.

adapted from epicurious.com

Brine for Pork Loin

1 T whole Sichuan Peppercorns

6 whole star Anise

3 sticks cinnamon

1 T cloves

1 T Coriander Seed

1 3 inch piece fresh ginger - sliced

1 C Kosher Salt

Combine spices with a few cups water in a a saucepan. Heat, stirring occasionally until boiling and salt is dissolved. Remove from heat and add enough water to cool the spice mixture to room temp. Place Spice mixture and pork loin in a metal or ceramic container big enough for pork loin to be submerged. I cut a large loin into 3 pieces and put the three pieces in a large stockpot. Add enough water to cover and swish things around a bit to distribute the salt and spices. Let the loin sit in the brine in a refrigerator for two or three days. Remove Pork from the brine, wipe off any spices that cling and roast Pork in the oven or on the grill, or cut into cubes for rice dishes or strips for stir fry.

It occurs to me that these are not cheap spices, but since I already had them before the axe fell it is economic to use what I have on hand. When they run out I'll have to rethink.

I feel quite energized by the thought of making a difference in our situation with cooking. So I'm giving it a whole lot more energy that I should and tiring myself out every day. I know I will pay the penalty but I don't seem to be able to hold myself back, there are so many things I could make! This period of excitement will just have to run its course, then perhaps I will be able to approach it more sensibly. Part of accepting life with Chronic Fatigue is accepting the fact that I sometimes don't operate wisely, but I do enjoy my life!

Spring is really here even though it doesn't seem like it today. Here's a shot of a miniature nectarine tree in bloom. It bloomed last year but had no fruit. It probably needs a pollinator, but I won't be buying any new trees this year so I'll just enjoy its extravagant pink blooms.

sourdough success!

Success! This is my third loaf this try. I've tried to bake bread before with very mediocre results. This is my best so far. The flavor was also good - a bonus! I do hope to develop even better internal structure. This loaf was baked in a cast iron dutch oven in my oven. The dutch oven keeps the moisture around the loaf and helps it to develop this lovely crust. The previous loaves I baked on a stone on the racks of the oven and they were over done and hard.

I read a Post on a blog today that was most honest and moving. Raven spoke about the inner demons that make even a disabled person disbelieve their own pain and feel as if they are just lazy and perpetrating a fraud. Her mother disbelieved her pain when she was a child and that became an inner lie that effected her for her entire life. This is a place where health and emotional health are so deeply interlinked.

a day indoors to cook

Just for fun here's a picture of a tiny butterfly on a Chrysanthemum flower in the garden last fall. Love her stripey antenae!

We had the craziest dust storm last night, really unusual for our location. After the storm there were tiny drifts of fine red sand on the windows of my car. The light actually was red at the height of the dust, it looked like sunset but was much too early. It blew our patio furniture around and broke one of the cable ties holding the shade cloth onto my greenhouse.

I'm baking bread again, I'm trying to replace a bread that has been a part of my diet for several years, an artisan multigrain from Albertson's made by Maple Leaf Bakeries. This is the first multigrain bread I have ever had that is not sweet, has great flavor, and crust and crumb are both enticing. It's also been great for my health and eating it every morning actually lowered my cholesterol, which had been climbing in spite of eating meat only three times a week at the time. Unfortunately it costs nearly $4 a loaf and the budget just won't handle that any more. Well, that's one reason, the other is that I believe that any food you invest your time and interest in gains chi and returns it to your body, thus making it a more physically satisfying and energy giving meal.

The best breads I have ever tasted come from La Brea Bakery. The catering company I worked for used them and they are ever so good, chewy, crusty, and flavorful. So I got Nancy Silverton's Breads from the la Brea Bakery and am learning from it. I got a sourdough starter from King Arthur Flour last week and fed it and got it ready to go. My first loaves of County Bread, the bread she recommends beginning with, were not very good, flavor wise because of stale flour from the grocery store shelves and crust wise, dark, hard and bitter. But I'm learning. I got a big bag of flour from Sam's Club and it is fresh and sweet. My next two loaves are now safely retarding in the fridge and will be ready for lunch tomorrow. What a fun adventure.

It was gloomy, cold, and windy today so it was a perfect day to cook. I made Jambalaya, a recipe that I have been working on and customizing for the last year. Here it is:

JAMBALAYA

1 t Olive Oil
2 large onions, chopped
4 medium cloves garlic, peeled
1 red and 1 green bell pepper, cored, seeded, and chopped
4 stalks celery, diced

6 Tbs fresh Italian parsley, minced
½ Polska Kielbasa, cut into ½ inch cubes
8 oz. ham, diced
1 chicken breast, diced
1 large bay leaf
¼ t ground white pepper
½ t Cayenne
3 inch sprig fresh thyme or ½ t dried thyme
3 inch sprig fresh oregano or ½ t dried oregano

3 lbs fresh tomatoes diced or 3 cans diced tomatoes with juice
4 Cups Chicken Broth

¾ C uncooked rice

You will need a large dutch oven or stovetop safe casserole.
Sauté onion, garlic, bell peppers and celery until onion is translucent.
Add Parsley, ham, Polska, chicken, bay leaf and spices.
Cook, stirring often until chicken turns white.
Add tomatoes and chicken broth. Bring to a boil, then reduce to simmer.
Add rice, cover and cook, barely simmering, for a good three hours or more.
This is better the next day, and the next. Add shrimp after reheating or 5 minutes before serving if you like. Very tasty.

Apricots in Bloom

It is a little early, five weeks before last frost, but who can blame them? I'm blooming too. The weather continues to be spectacular. Now it's a race to get everything transplanted before it gets too hot. I am so much happier when I can be out in the sunshine and messing with the soil. The gloom of winter is not just a weather condition.

Today I was able to help a good friend with sinus problems by giving her a Jin Shin Do treatment. J has sinus problems associated with burn season for the local farmers. She began to get relief while I was doing the basic neck release, even before I began on the Sinus release pattern. I am so grateful for Ioana Marsaa Teeguarden's books http://www.jinshindo.org/products.htm on the subject. One day maybe I'll get to go study and become accredited, but until then it is incredibly wonderful to be able to do a few small things for my friends and family's comfort.

Couldn't garden today

The twins Anapurna and Wee Jock

You'd think that after six years of working with Chronic Fatigue I'd be at peace with having to take a day and rest. There was a time when I couldn't even take out the trash because one trip down and back up the steps to our front door was more than I could handle. I learned to be patient with it then. Now that I'm feeling better for some reason it's back to finding it hard to accept. Healing sometimes is about working through the layers of ourselves, like an onion. It's funny though, because sometimes the new layer looks an awful lot like one of the old ones.

PercieOne of my tricks to make myself rest is to watch a movie in the middle of the day. Love Netflix! Today it was Man on Fire with Denzel Washington. It started out really good, heartwarming, talking about moral and spiritual questions, giving hints of things maybe not being what they appear. But the hints became too heavy handed and the last half just degenerated into basic violent tough guy thriller. Plplplplplpl. It gets a raspberry from me. (There's no good way to spell that).

Pippin

It was so nice outside I had to find a way to do nothing outside. So I tried to get shots of my garden companions. Here are some of the better ones.

Pippin and Chester

garden makeovers

The weather has been so beautiful these days, it's too good to be indoors. In accord with the theory that one should do what makes one happy, rather than what one "should" do , I worked on an area that has been bothering me and did a redo. It required hard work, which makes me tired, which is hard to recover from. But nevertheless these lovely days would be wasted without grabbing a chance to work and do something good.

Above is a before picture, it's the garden in front of the greenhouse that I have been wanting to redo. although I love day lilies I have not been pleased with the messy appearance of the massed day lily bed in this location. So I dug it up, raised the bed with a stone edging, and prepped it to be planted in vegetables this year. It's already warm enough to plant lettuce, onion, chard, and peas from seed. Later I will add Tomatoes and green beans. This location is sunny about half the day, being shaded on one side with a tree and on the other side by the house. The soil is very shallow, we're on the crest of a sandstone hill. That's the reason for raising the bed.

Here is the improved bed, of course it'll be better when there's something green growing in it. Spring is the time for bursting out from our winter dormancy. It's time to grow, and watch things growing.